First I should mention that I bashed me knee pretty good 2 days before while playing soccer and therefore I was pretty good and sore. That being said I had to go to the airport to pick up my brother-in-law Jerry, who was flying in from Houston. I knew I was going to need change for the airport parking meters, but all I could find was a flimsy $5 bill. Had I known then what I know now I would have exchanged that flimsy $5 bill for a nice crisp one at a gas station or better yet changed it for quarters. Of course conspiring against me as the Universe was I was kept unaware that this would eventually be the catalyst for a rather annoying, yet slightly amusing proof of that conspiracy.
I arrived at the airport and found a nice parking space close to the pick-up area. I should have realized then that the traffic had been too nice and things had gone too smoothly thus far for nothing to go wrong, but I didn’t. I knew of a change machine that was close to my car and I limped over to it with my $5 bill in hand. Of course this machine, being nice and close, and highly convenient was not working. Again this should have been a clue. I looked around and across the parking lot and spotted the next closest change machine. I wasn’t looking forward to having to walk all the way there and back on my gimp leg, but I didn’t fancy getting parking ticket either. Therefore I hobbled over to the new group of change machines with my conspicuously flimsy $5 bill, chose a machine (which I thought to be random at the time, but should have realized it was all a set up) and inserted it in the machine.
At this point there are 3 things I really wish I would have known before I inserted the $5 bill into the house of horrors that was this change machine
The 1st thing I wish I would have known is that Jerry, whom you remember I was there to pick up, was already on his way out of the airport at this point and was approaching the passenger pick up area for the first time. He related to me later that he had come all the way out, gone back in and then come back out again before finding me. Had I just stood by the machines I would have met up with him within minutes. Had I known this I never would have inserted my oh so floppy $5 bill into the machine.
The 2nd thing I wish I would have known is that a parking meter attendant did at no point during my ordeal, check my minuteless parking meter. Of course not knowing this I fretted the entire time that I would indeed get a parking ticket. I would have had to argue with them that the whole thing was their fault. This my friends is how the Universe gets you. It distracts you with the fear of a logical disaster so that is can sucker punch you with the outrageously improbable real disaster. The unexpected and cruel nature of the actual disaster is always more exciting and amusing for the Universe. I should have known that the imaginary argument with the parking authorities was never going to happen, but I didn’t. Had I known that I never would have inserted my ill mannered $5 bill into the machine.
The 3rd and final thing I wish I would have known was that there is a certain machine (this was later pointed out by a nice, though slow to arrive bicycle parking authority officer) that readily accepted those misfit bills, such as the one I carried, with absolute love and tenderness. No awkward questions or background checks. It just welcomes them in and even pays you their full worth in nice shiny coins for your trouble. I did later wonder why all of the machines in the parking lot were not of this same type. I think there are a few logical, though somewhat perturbing reasons. For one if there were no nasty, rotten, I’m going to help the Universe get one up on you machines then we wouldn’t appreciate the good ones. Also the Universe hates me and had to make sure I wouldn’t get off that easy. I would have chosen the nice friendly machine had it not been tucked behind a pillar close to, but apart from the foreboding machines and out of sight. Had I know this I never would have inserted my ragamuffin $5 bill into the macine.
Being horribly unaware of all these factors I carelessly and without thought for my own well being inserted the now infamous $5 bill into the machine. What happened next will forever replay not only in my mind, but on the Universe’s personal DVR. The bill entered the machine quite rapidly and with unexpected ease. I thought that surely my luck couldn’t be that good. It wasn’t. After a slight pause and whirring of gears that gave me false hope that the bill had been accepted and given a new home, it was rejected. When I say rejected I do no simply mean that the bill was returned to me for another attempt. That of course would have been normal. It would be slightly bothersome, but not unexpected given the condition of the bill I was using. That of course would not be enough for the diabolical appetite of the Universe. Instead the $5 bill exited the machine as quickly as it had entered and because of the pre-prepared flimsy nature of the bill it drooped as it shot out. This caused the bill to slip into a cozy gap between the bill feeder and the casing door of the machine. The bill was now completely inaccessible to me. I’m sure at this point the Universe had the kind of laughing fit the either caused him to spit out the beverage he had just begun to drink, snort the beverage he was drinking up his nose, or if he had no beverage to simply snort. I’m sure that if it hadn’t been for the cacophony of noise in the parking lot at the time I probably would have heard that snort.
At this point I felt utterly flabbergasted. I’d never seen anything like it. Sure everyone has probably had a bill or a number of coins taken by a machine and not been given their intended beverage, snack, or sticky rubber toy man that rolls down windows until it gets too dirty and is never the same again. This however was astonishingly new. The ungrateful bill decided to flip me the bird before heading back inside through the trap door. I thoroughly expected to hear a loud, “Tadah!”
This would have been a really good time to know that Jerry was about to arrive right next to where I was. Of course I did not. Instead I was directed by a janitor to the parking authority that is down stairs and below my car from which I had walked across the garage. First of all who knew there was such a thing as the airport parking authority? Secondly who knew, without having been there first that they have in office in a surprisingly convenient building in the parking garage itself? Thirdly I know exactly who knew that I would have to walk down stairs and then across the parking garage on a sore knee to get there. The Universe of course. I think at this point my knee became a little resentful of Universe as well.
In the office I was greeted by a uniformed parking authority officer who seemed to be genuinely bewildered (an act) as I was by what happened. What he instructed me to do next didn’t and still doesn’t seem to have any logical bearing on the solution to my dilemma. I am sure though that the officer and the Universe are both now sharing a tub of popcorn and having a good snorting laugh about the whole thing.
The officer politely asked me which change machine it had been that had stolen my bill. I explained that it was near the elevators and close to the right hand side. These general terms were not enough for this new conspirator. He wanted the actual letter and number combination labeled on the change machine. Had I known that such a thing existed. Had I known that I was going to in fact need it. Had I known that the officer was about to send me to call him from a phone (hidden mind you, hidden) just out of sight from the offending change machine I could have saved myself a great deal of walking. He did in fact tell me to call him from a phone upstairs after I had retrieved the number of the change machine that had so insensitively taken my $5 bill. After which, he said he would send someone to help.
I nearly left the office before having to have this repeated to me again. You see he logic alarm in my subconscious had suddenly blared; the only result of this was the forgetting the flipping number he said to call with. The alarm sounded again as I called the officer up on the bright white courtesy phone, which I found with some difficulty. This time when the alarm sounded (I had indeed found the number for the evil change machine) I promptly forgot the number on the change machine and had to excuse myself as I ran (hobbled quickly) back across the elevators to the machine and get the number again. After hanging up the phone I labored back to the spot where the machines were and felt their mocking stairs as I waited for help to arrive. This is when I realized what my logic alarm had been trying to tell me. It first told me that the Universe had hardwired a memory eraser to my alarm bell so that every time it sounded I would forgot what it was I was trying the hardest to remember at the time. I would have been surprised by this if it weren't for the fact that the Universe had already done this to all the alarms in my body. Well in truth the Universe has a button remotely attached to these alarms that he can push at random just for kicks.
The slightly less important thing that my logic alarm was trying to tell me was that the officer whom I had just hung up with had no real reason to know the exact machine that had tempted away my prodigal $5 bill. All he needed to know was where I was going to be and the person he would then send to help could simply ask me which machine it was. There was no reason for him to have me call him from an out of the way upstairs phone when he simply could have called ahead for help and it would have arrived all that much sooner. The only possible explanation is that this machine was prepared to do this to me. The Universe directed me to this one machine. The number on the machine was important to identify me, and not the machine. This to me is the final proof that the officer was in on the whole thing.
So there I stood waiting for some unknown person to come and fix the specific machine which I so very much wanted to melt down and use for bullets to shoot the Universe with. I was worried that I was keeping Jerry waiting. I was worried that I was going to get a parking ticket and have to have the aforementioned argument. I was also worried that I would step away to check to see if either event had occurred and thereby miss the person coming to help me. This was compounded by the fact that I had no idea what the person he was sending might look like and for that matter he had no idea what I would look like. The help finally did arrive in the form of a bicycle parking authority officer. Apparently they are the kind of officers who would normally give parking tickets, but had been given the order to lay off my car by the Universe to serve as a distraction. This is also the kind of person who delivers the news that there is a nice friendly change machine that accepts bills of all types such as the one he helped me retrieve after opening the unfriendly machine that stole my bill.
The machine was indeed everything I ever dreamed of and gave me $5.Not in the form of a whimpy bill too good for his own home, but in stately quarters that neither parking meter nor vending machine could deny. This was good money, dependable money. It was money that $0.75 of which I was about to waste due to a carefully laid plan by the Universe itself.
I finally had my change. I have no idea how long it took, but it was long enough to give the Universe a good video for his greatest hits compilation. I was therefore happy to insert my change into the parking meter. The question, of course, is always of how much money to put in. Too little and you might get a parking ticket; it would only happen if you weren’t expecting it too. Too much change and you waste whatever time is left over. In my case any money was too much money. As I haplessly put my 3rd quarter into the machine I saw Jerry walk out into the passenger pick-up area. I walked towards him reasoning all the while that the next person who parked there would be much more fortunate than I had been. That at least made something good of the whole thing right? Of course not. I felt stupid, as was the intention of the Universe all along. I felt even stupider after having crossed over from my car to the pick-up area when I noticed that Jerry had done the opposite without having seen me. I was now following him and shouting out the last bit of dignity I had left to got his attention. I crossed over and together we went to the car.
You see when the Universe is out to get you it is unavoidable. The Universe sort of runs everything. So while I am not surprised that the Universe would or could do something like this, I do marvel at the many different ways it finds to screw with me. I have for many years tried to fight back. Today I think I shall surrender and say to the Universe, “Well played Universe. Well played.”
